Dragons is sooooo stupid!

I almost forgot, I DO have a rant today! Sorry, but it is a long one.

As you may, or may not, know, the Food World grocery chain (BTW, do you go to the "grocery" or do you go to the "grocery store"? Just curious.) recently changed the name of all its stores to Southern Home Market. Since it is the exact same company and all, I didn't expect I'd see any changes, but I hadn't been in one since they changed (I'm a Kroger guy).

Last night, though, I needed to make a chip run. The baseball game was coming on and I not only was out of chips, I also needed some milk. Hence, I figured I'd make a quick run to the store. I didn't want to go all the way to Kroger for such a small list, so I figured I'd try out the new Southern Home Market. Sure enough, it looked just like Food World did a couple of weeks ago, but then I got to the checkout.

First, there was the express lane (10 items or less). I didn't choose this lane for two reasons.

1. It really should be "10 items or fewer" and that really does bug me. Hat tip to Publix -- the only grocery store in my area that uses fewer.

2. The real reason I eschewed the express lane, though, (c'mon, I'm not that anal) was that there were too many people in it. I looked down the store and saw a checkout with only one customer. I knew she probably had lots of items, but I figured one woman with 50 items would go faster than 5 with 10 items. Make sense?

Well, I thought it made sense so I hurried on down to that checkout. Sure enough, the woman had a lot of items, but the modern checkout process is designed to get a lot of items out of the way in a hurry, right? Well it is unless the checker is a complete and total IDIOT! I hate to be hard on the young lady, but she was totally incompetent -- bless her heart. First, she had to have a conversation with the woman regarding every fifth item she'd scan:

Checker: scan, scan, scan, ... Oh, do you like V-8 juice? I drink it all the time.
Customer: No, that's for my Dad. He's got high cholesterol (or something like that) so he has to drink it.
Checker: Oh that's too bad; my grandpa has the same thing. Scan, scan, scan, ... Oh, don't you just love these little crackers? They're the only kind I'll eat, though my mom says I should try this other kind.
Customer: Yeah, my kids will only eat those. We tried the other brand, but they just wouldn't have it.

Seriously, this stuff went on forever! In addition, Southern Home Market evidently does not believe in bag boys (or girls) so the checker not only slowed things down with inane conversation, she also had to stop every 15 items or so and go bag. I was going nuts! Wait, though, it gets worse (or better if you're reading to enjoy my misery).

Finally, she finished scanning and opining about all the items in this woman's buggy (or cart or basket if you prefer) and she announced the grand total -- $130.78. The customer slid her Visa and the checker did her thing and I thought I was about to get my turn -- wrong! The checker entered the wrong amount so the woman was only charged $13.78 (she skipped the zero). Now I didn't think this should have been a major obstacle. There was still $117 to be paid, so just slide the card again and key in the right amount this time, right? Well first the checker had to completely freak out about her mistake, but then she did calm down and ask the woman to slide her card again. The only problem was the checker didn't change the amount charged, so once again the customer was charged $13.78 (rather than the full $117 remaining). ARGH!

Now the checker was in complete meltdown mode and she had to go get a manager. The manager arrived and everyone fixated on what the original total was, though I didn't see why that was important. There was now $103.22 remaining to be paid, so what did it matter what the original total was? Regardless, they seemed to think it was important and the checker kept insisting the original total was $113.78, but since that didn't add up they couldn't seem to figure out what had happened. Finally, I had to step in and tell them the original amount was $130.78 rather than $113.78. No, I didn't remember the cents, but I did remember the dollar amount the checker first announced. This should have satisfied everyone, but they were somehow convinced the woman had only been charged ONCE (despite the fact she'd swiped twice) and $13.78 plus the remaining balance of $103.22 just didn't add up to anything recognizable.

Still, the point was that $103.22 remained to be paid, right? I was just about to give up and go to another line when the manager told the customer, "Oh well, I can't figure out the original numbers, but there's still $103.22 to be paid, would you slide your card again?" Now I understand the customer's reluctance to keep sliding her card, but it was clear she wasn't being charged $100-plus each time, so she agreed, the register cleared out, the drawer came open, and everything should have been fine. Note the use of SHOULD.

The customer now went to sign her receipt when she and the checker realized she had been charged THREE times! [See explanation for that above.] It didn't matter how many times she'd been charged, the grand total was $130.78, but these two put their heads together and had a joint meltdown about this! Finally I could stand it no longer. I did give up my spot and go to the express lane. I had to wait behind several customers, but at least we were moving. Of course the woman in front of me was writing a check (c'mon woman, get in the modern world) and the register wouldn't read her check, but that delay only lasted about 2 minutes.

Finally, almost 45 minutes after walking in to get a bag of chips and a gallon of milk, I managed to get out. Some would ask why I didn't just give up and leave altogether. Well, two things. One, I still had to get milk and chips somewhere. Two, to borrow a phrase from ... wait, I'm not sure if the phrase originated with big bro or one of my UK readers ... Well, to borrow a phrase from someone, there was an "escalation of commitment" in that the longer I stayed the more I hated to leave. Plus, there was the whole train wreck aspect of watching the disasters unfold. Regardless, I finally got my milk and chips.

Needless to say, I wasn't in the best of moods and it was already past 7 -- the ostensible starting time for game 2. So all I wanted to do was get back home, eat my chips, and watch the game. Since I had just planned to run out for a minute to get some chips, I hadn't locked the door at home. I was gone longer than planned, but I wasn't worried about that. The only implication of leaving the door unlocked was that I didn't grab my full set of keys on the way out. Instead, I just grabbed a single car key (why I have a single car key not on the full ring is a longer, unimportant story). Thus you can imagine my surprise when I got home and found my door LOCKED!

Evidently, out of habit, I did in fact lock the door on my way out. Hence, I found myself, after surviving the Southern Market fiasco, locked out of my own house. I'd left the windows open and the TV on, so I had a nice view of the cats watching TV, but I hadn't left it on the right channel for the game so I didn't even have the consolation of watching the game as I pondered my fate on the porch. Of course Gumbo and Emmylou each came to the window several times to ask why Daddy was cussing on the porch instead of watching TV inside with them. I had no good answer other than, "I'm sorry kitties, Daddy is too stupid to live."

Finally, I set about trying to get in the house sans key. The only good break was that the windows were open. I tried for a while to pop the screen out of the window on the porch, but I soon decided that I'd ruin the screen frame if I kept that up. No, in the end, I went to the other window, higher off the ground, and was able to remove the screen itself from the screen frame. I then had to crawl up on the hood of my car and shimmy through the window. Given the way the evening was going, I can't believe no one called the cops about a guy crawling through the window.

Hmm, maybe hiding a key outside is not such a bad idea after all.

P.S. A prize to the first one (other than big bro) who can tell me the source of the title of this post! No fair to use Google, though I have no enforcement power.