Home Improvement Hazards

If you remember the show, I had a "Tool Time" moment yesterday. First, a little background.

If you know the Caffeine Dad, you know that he is the handiest man on the planet. Seriously, the man could build a working nuclear reactor from a coffee can, some bent nails, and some baling wire. Okay, I guess he'd need a fuel source, but he'd find that somewhere. As a consequence of Caffeine Dad's extreme handiness, both Caffeine Brother and I are totally worthless. The sum total of our handiness lessons growing up was how to hold the flashlight -- and we even did that badly! So, I blame this whole thing on Caffeine Dad.

Okay, now for the story ... One of the VERY first things I did after moving into my new house last year was put up my porch swing. I absolutely LOVE porch swings, especially since I have a great park across the street. One big problem, though, was that the porch ceiling was covered with vinyl siding, hence I couldn't (easily) find the two beams needed to install my porch parallel to the street -- a requirement if I wanted to be able to look over the peaceful park setting while swinging. In the end I compromised; I checked out the (seemingly identical) porch next door and got an idea of where ONE beam would be and after drilling only 4 or so "empty" holes, I found a beam and hung the swing. It bugged me, though, that my swing was perpendicular to the street and park. I could look up the street while swinging, but I didn't really have the peaceful setting I desired. Yesterday I decided to remedy the situation.

As a first step, I went next door and checked out that porch in more detail. I got a pretty good idea of where one beam would be and I figured I'd just have to drill holes on the other end until I found a second beam. I then went back to my porch and drilled my first hole. Miracle of miracles, I hit a beam on my very first attempt. That frightened me, but I decided not to question fate. I then measured the swing and figured out just about where I'd LIKE a second beam to be. When I went back next door, it looked as if there might be a beam around there -- cool. Of course it took me about 5 empty holes, but I did eventually find the 2nd beam in just about the right spot. All that remained was to install the big heavy hooks and hang my swing in its new location. That's when the trouble started.

First off, it was an absolutely gorgeous day yesterday, so I was walking around barefoot. Second, I am not tall enough to install things on my porch ceiling without a "boost", so I had the little kitchen step stool (I've got some really high shelves) out on the porch. Finally, I drilled pilot holes, but these hooks are pretty hard to screw in (and, I hope, out) so I had a screwdriver that I was using for leverage. Basically, I'd start the hook by hand and then stick the screwdriver through the eye of the hook and use the screwdriver handle to apply the needed torque. This was the way I'd installed the hooks the two previous times I'd put up the swing, so I didn't foresee any problems and I don't think there would have been any problems had I held onto the screwdriver! After a turn or so, though, I decided that I needed to adjust my grip on the screwdriver. It seemed to be pretty firmly in place, so I let go to get my new grip. When I did, the screwdriver (of course) slipped right out of the hook.

This would not have been so bad had I not been standing (on a stool) RIGHT UNDER the hook! It was one of those slow motion TV moments. I could see the screwdriver slip out of the hole and slowly, oh so slowly, fall toward my head. I closed my eyes and the screwdriver BONKED me right in the forehead (butt end first fortunately). That smarted, but to add insult to injury, the screwdriver bounced off my forehead and landed (again butt end first) right on my second little piggy (remember, I was barefoot). I'm sure it would have been a humorous sight (I'm HOPING no one was watching) as I spent the next couple of minutes hopping around my porch on one foot, holding a hand to a nascent goose egg on my forehead. It wasn't that big a deal, though the screwdriver was a heavy one, but I was in awe of all the "little things" that had to line up for this to occur. I had to be standing RIGHT UNDER the hook and the screwdriver had to bounce off my head in just the right way to land on my toe. Seriously, this was a Lee Harvey Oswald screwdriver! [Hmm, maybe I should Photoshop the famous picture of him with the mail order rifle?]

This morning I am no worse for the wear, thus I am able to laugh about the whole thing. I'm thinking we might could win some money if someone had videoed the whole thing. So if you were filming out in Delano Park yesterday, check your tape; there might be some money in it for you. In the meantime I'll hold an ice pack to my noggin and not walk under any ladders.